Entry Number Nine

   I've been thinking about a lot of things. Mainly that we live in a world of depression. Times have changed majorly since the beginning of the 2000s, and not in a good way. All around me there are people that aren't fulfilled in their lives. I'm not even fulfilled. Life could definitely be better than it is now. I don't think I know one person that is actually happy. All of my friends aren't as happy as they should be. My two best friends really aren't happy, especially not since school started. They don't have enough time to do the things that make them happy. And when they do get the time to actually relax and calm down, they can't because they get so stressed with thinking about tomorrow. 
   I am still on the hunt with finding something that makes me happy. No luck so far, but I haven't really tried as hard as I should be with trying to find it. I kind of gave up. I just want to be 17 years old living in 1988. To me, that seems like the best time to be living. Everyone hung out with each other and had a good time. Everyone was happy. Al of the good 80s movies would have been out by then. The style was so cool. The technology wasn't as advanced as it is today. I think that is one of the major reasons why everyone is so depressed these days. They aren't actually living life and they are just looking at a screen all day. I hang out with friends and they are on their phones. I go out to eat with friends ad they are on their phones. People don't ever get the chance to look up every once in a while and actually do something. But sometimes technology is a good thing. 
   Without technology, neither of my friends would have an outlet to do what they love. They wouldn' be able to connect with people across the world. And sometimes the people across the world are the only ones that actually make you feel better. And without technology, you wouldn't have them. I don't personally have any online friends, but my best friend has some. And to her, they are the word. I really don't know what she would be like without them. That's why I really want an online friend. But that would mean that I would have to text them and make a huge effort to say with them. And I can barely text my friends on a weekly basis. I never talk to anyone, so I don't think I would be able to have an online friend that would last. But who knows, I've never had one, so I don't know what would happen. 
   But hopefully, things get better. Not only for me but also for the people around me. I don't realy know, I never do. But this was a short entry to just talk to someone about something. Yikes.

xx ulainna

Entry Number Eight

     The thing with me is that I don’t know anymore. I have been searching for the longest time to find something to do that makes me happy. I would come across something and think that it is finally the one thing that I can always do to bring me happiness, but then after a week or so it doesn’t make me happy anymore. It begins to feel like something I am forced to do and is a burden. I tried a lot of different things. Collecting things, drying flowers, organizing things, writing letters, taking pictures, drawing, painting, doing crafts, loads of different things. The most recent activity was making various mood boards and posting them on Instagram. That went on for about a week and then I didn’t have any motivation to make them anymore. I told my 50 followers that I was going to take a small break and that I would be back, but I don’t think I’ll ever come back. And I feel kind of bad but I wasn’t keeping anyone entertained because no one really looked at my mood boards. 

     I don’t know what I am going to do with that account. I want to just delete it but I already have a place for it in my heart. It holds some sentimental value, and all of my friends know that I am a very sentimental person. A simple rock that I find on a good day makes its way over to my memory box. And I know that writing blogs doesn’t make me happy because this is just my way of ranting and just getting the things out that I need to say. It just gets a little bit of the weight off of my chest. Not all of it because there are some things that I don’t want to let the whole world know about, ya know? But blogs just help me get the little things out. And I don’t want to randomly go to my friends to rant because I would feel bad about it. Even though they tell me all the time that it is fine and that they want to help me. I don’t know, I like to feel in control sometimes. Because really when I am writing blogs I am talking to myself. I’m not talking to anyone else, just me. So it’s like I’m doing something good for myself when I write these. 

     But I just want to find that one activity that brings me happiness. My two friends both have their happy activity (making edits) and then I’m still searching. And yes my friends and family make me happy but I need an activity that I can do on my own. Something that I can do at basically any time. I don’t know, I just feel like if I find the activity that makes me happy I’ll be happy. Because really after I moved I have not been happy. The only time I am happy is when I am with my friends. And sometimes when I am with them I’m not happy. I don’t know. But I’m not sad either. Well, I am sad a lot of the time, but most of the time I am just meh. It’s like a mixture of sadness and okay. Like I’m not completely sad, but I’m definitely not happy. But I am also not normal, it’s hard to explain. It’s kind of like I am constantly bored or unamused or just not feeling good. I don’t know the best way to put it but I did a good enough job in my opinion. I understand if you have no idea what I am talking about. I have a hard time explaining things. 

     Well that was all for this blog, hopefully I find that happy activity that I have been searching for. Wish me luck. 

xxx ulainna 

Entry Number Seven

     It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Well a lot happened while I was gone from writing blogs. But I’ll try to make the story short.

     I don’t remember where I left off from my last blog, and I don’t care to reread it to find out. I’ll just start over. I know that I talked about a crush of mine a lot in the old blogs. Well I still have that same crush. He goes by the name Dreamboy now. Speaking of that name, I realized something about it that was very similar to Dreamboy’s actual name. But I’m not going to say what because then that might tell who it is. But let me get back to what I was saying before. I finally told him that I had a crush on him. Well, I couldn’t do it so I made my friend do it. Actually, she made herself do it because I wouldn’t and she knew I was never going to. I was planning on telling him myself, but my confidence came crashing down, so I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It all happened in the beginning of June. I didn’t want to be there when she told him, so I did the most awkward thing I have ever done. I just ran away up a hill and laid down and just closed my eyes. I know, it doesn’t sound so bad, but the more I replay it in my mind the worse and worse it gets. And to just add onto the embarrassment, I threw my shoes when my friend came up to me to tell me what he said. Both of them. I’m surprised they didn’t hit him. I don’t know why I threw them, it just happened. I wish it didn’t, but it did. I just don’t know when to stop embarrassing myself. 

     But the news was pretty good. It was a lot better than I expected. I thought it was going to be, “eww. Why does she have a crush on me? I still have a crush on someone else. And Ulainna is my best friend, I don’t want to ruin that.” But it was more along the lines of, “I know she has a crush on me. And she has crossed my mind.” That’s not exactly what she told me he said but it’s close enough. Afterwards we just hung out. And of course I played some music from a playlist that my friends and I made for that day. I added a lot of songs hinting towards my crush, but I don’t think he payed any attention to them. But I still gave him looks as the songs played while he scrolled on his phone. Then an hour or two passed and my mom picked me up. You could say that I had a good night.

     Now cut to the beginning of July while I was at the beach with the friend that told Dreamboy that I liked him. He told me that he actually liked me too. Which I thought was a joke at first, but I guess it wasn’t. I didn’t fully know it until like 2 days after he told me. And I had to text him to make sure. And he was sure. I didn’t know what to do. But I was really freaking happy. I still don’t know what is going to come from this. But I still have a crush on him, duh. I have for the longest time, and just never realized it until after I moved. 

     But we are still as close as ever. But I would like to become a little closer. I just want to have a real personal conversation with him in person. I love having deep conversations with my friends, I think it brings us closer because I know more about them and they know more about me. And I just want to know more about Dreamboy. Like, really bad. I also just want to hangout. We haven’t done that in the longest time. I still find it so crazy that he actually likes me back. I would have never thought it would happen, but I guess it did. 

     Well that was a catch up on Dreamboy, let me find another topic in my life to talk about. Ahh, blogs.

     I think I am going to reread the rest of my blogs now that I think about it. I am scared that I put something really embarrassing in them. Actually, I know I did, but I just want to see how bad it is. I know that my family is going to find them any day now and make fun of me. Hopefully I’ll be ready. But I think I am going to continue making blogs for now. There is something about them that gives me a little relief. Maybe I finally found something that I enjoy doing and that I want to stick with. I have been struggling recently to find something, but I may have just found it. 

     One last thing I want to address. I feel bad for the girl that Dreamboy had a crush on before he got a crush on me. She really missed out on a one in a lifetime opportunity. A GREAT opportunity if you ask me. She’s really missing out on the sweetest human in this earth. But he isn’t even just sweet. He’s so much more. Ew, why am I so boy crazy. I need to tone it down a notch. Yikes.

     I guess that is all for my update on my life since I last spoke to you. Actually, it was basically just an update on Dreamboy. I hope the chat with you again sometime soon. 

xx ulainna 

P.S. I took away blogs 2,3, and 4 for you to see because I read over them and they were just too embarrassing. So if you are confused about what was happening in this blog, I understand why. But in the other blogs I basically just talked about wasps stinging me and Dreamboy, no surprise there. Maybe I’ll let you guys see them in the future. I don’t know. And I also have a blog typed up in my notes that I never published because I forgot to. I’ll read over it and see if I’ll publish it.

Entry Number Six

     It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Well a lot happened while I was gone from writing blogs. But I’ll try to make the story short.

     I don’t remember where I left off from my last blog, and I don’t care to reread it to find out. I’ll just start over. I know that I talked about a crush of mine a lot in the old blogs. Well I still have that same crush. He goes by the name Dreamboy now. Speaking of that name, I realized something about it that was very similar to Dreamboy’s actual name. But I’m not going to say what because then that might tell who it is. But let me get back to what I was saying before. I finally told him that I had a crush on him. Well, I couldn’t do it so I made my friend do it. Actually, she made herself do it because I wouldn’t and she knew I was never going to. I was planning on telling him myself, but my confidence came crashing down, so I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It all happened in the beginning of June. I didn’t want to be there when she told him, so I did the most awkward thing I have ever done. I just ran away up a hill and laid down and just closed my eyes. I know, it doesn’t sound so bad, but the more I replay it in my mind the worse and worse it gets. And to just add onto the embarrassment, I threw my shoes when my friend came up to me to tell me what he said. Both of them. I’m surprised they didn’t hit him. I don’t know why I threw them, it just happened. I wish it didn’t, but it did. I just don’t know when to stop embarrassing myself. 

     But the news was pretty good. It was a lot better than I expected. I thought it was going to be, “eww. Why does she have a crush on me? I still have a crush on someone else. And Ulainna is my best friend, I don’t want to ruin that.” But it was more along the lines of, “I know she has a crush on me. And she has crossed my mind.” That’s not exactly what she told me he said but it’s close enough. Afterwards we just hung out. And of course I played some music from a playlist that my friends and I made for that day. I added a lot of songs hinting towards my crush, but I don’t think he payed any attention to them. But I still gave him looks as the songs played while he scrolled on his phone. Then an hour or two passed and my mom picked me up. You could say that I had a good night.

     Now cut to the beginning of July while I was at the beach with the friend that told Dreamboy that I liked him. He told me that he actually liked me too. Which I thought was a joke at first, but I guess it wasn’t. I didn’t fully know it until like 2 days after he told me. And I had to text him to make sure. And he was sure. I didn’t know what to do. But I was really freaking happy. I still don’t know what is going to come from this. But I still have a crush on him, duh. I have for the longest time, and just never realized it until after I moved. 

     But we are still as close as ever. But I would like to become a little closer. I just want to have a real personal conversation with him in person. I love having deep conversations with my friends, I think it brings us closer because I know more about them and they know more about me. And I just want to know more about Dreamboy. Like, really bad. I also just want to hangout. We haven’t done that in the longest time. I still find it so crazy that he actually likes me back. I would have never thought it would happen, but I guess it did. 

     Well that was a catch up on Dreamboy, let me find another topic in my life to talk about. Ahh, blogs.

     I think I am going to reread the rest of my blogs now that I think about it. I am scared that I put something really embarrassing in them. Actually, I know I did, but I just want to see how bad it is. I know that my family is going to find them any day now and make fun of me. Hopefully I’ll be ready. But I think I am going to continue making blogs for now. There is something about them that gives me a little relief. Maybe I finally found something that I enjoy doing and that I want to stick with. I have been struggling recently to find something, but I may have just found it. 

     One last thing I want to address. I feel bad for the girl that Dreamboy had a crush on before he got a crush on me. She really missed out on a one in a lifetime opportunity. A GREAT opportunity if you ask me. She’s really missing out on the sweetest human in this earth. But he isn’t even just sweet. He’s so much more. Ew, why am I so boy crazy. I need to tone it down a notch. Yikes.

     I guess that is all for my update on my life since I last spoke to you. Actually, it was basically just an update on Dreamboy. I hope the chat with you again sometime soon. 

xx ulainna 

P.S. I took away blogs 2,3, and 4 for you to see because I read over them and they were just too embarrassing. So if you are confused about what was happening in this blog, I understand why. But in the other blogs I basically just talked about wasps stinging me and Dreamboy, no surprise there. Maybe I’ll let you guys see them in the future. I don’t know. And I also have a blog typed up in my notes that I never published because I forgot to. I’ll read over it and see if I’ll publish it.

Entry Number Five

     Hello. No, that's more bland than my actual blogs. I know, it has been 2 or so months since my last blog. I can explain myself! Well... it isn't going to be a good one. But let me get right to the main reason.
     I have been pretty busy. I know, you might be thinking about how I am probably not busy and I am just over exaggerating because I am an 8th grade girl. Well, you are completely correct about that statement. Yeah, I am busy, but there have been plenty of times where I was free but I decide to do something that I gain nothing from. I believe that I must gain something from typing up these stupid blogs. It definitely isn't the amount of people that read them because no one actually reads these. I am typing these things for no one, or at least I hope I am. I sort of regret a lot of the things I put in these. I skimmed over some of my last ones and they are pretty cringy. So I am very sorry about that. And I am also sorry about this. Because I am almost positive that this is going to be exactly like the others. I am getting a strong feeling about that. But let me fill you in with what has happened over the last decade since I have written to you.
     My new life at my new school has just begun. I have a friend group that I love so freaking much and they make me so happy. Let me talk about that. When I first met these two girls that asked me to sit with them, I was scared. I didn't know if they were going to be little brats, or if they were going to be some sort of crack addicts. You can never tell with a 13 year old these days. But the first month or so that I sat with them at lunch was very slow. Don't get me wrong, I was very thankful that they adopted me and all, but I was just not happy. I was just, how so I put this... meh. I was just spending my lunches listening to them talk to each other. But I did not want to butt in on their conversations because these girls are best friends. Like, the best kind. And I know how it feels when a newbie tries to join your two person party. I have the same kind of friendship with one of my best friends. Like if she has a sleepover with someone other than me, I picture me strangling the person she is having a sleepover with. But it is not really like that anymore. Because we have the same friend groups, which is a blessing. But back to the girls at my new school. They were best friends and so I didn't want to spoil that for them. So I just ended up sitting in silence nibbling on my lunch. Then came along another one of their friends. Now I was scared to meet this person. I didn't know if they would be nice to me or not. But he sat with us a little and I ended up liking lunch a lot more. Then he sat with us everyday and it got really fun. He sometimes has fights with lunchboxes. The best kind. They are very sassy. Things got a lot better. And I enjoyed lunches a lot more because when the two girls would talk to each other I could just turn over and talk to the other guy. THEN came along a new comer. Now, at first I didn't know how to feel about him sitting with us. He had moved to my new school only a month after me. So we were already the new kids. He was in my Latin class, but he was extremely silent. I didn't think that he liked me at all. But one day he was listening on the conversation that I was having with some other girls, and I knew this because he just jumped in like a creep. I'm joking, don't come for me. But after they very little words that we said to each other, and the vine references, we didn't exchange any other words for a while. Until he sat with us at lunch. The first day was a little rough because he was our new recruit. We basically made him feel like he was being questioned by the government. Which is what I am always going for.
     We instantly clicked after that. We found out that we were actually twins in our past lives because there is just too many things that we have in common, and it is becoming very confusing. We are finding new things that we both share everyday. Literally. But he is my Latin buddy and we both know nothing about Latin. So we are failing together. He keeps insulting my translations though, but I don't blame him. They are absolute trash. But he is actually being transferred into my English class, which is actually extremely exciting. I cannot wait. And I am going to help him stalk his crush because that is what best friends are for.
     Speaking of crushes, I don't have any. Or at least I don't think I have any. No, I don't. I got over my first one, the one from my old school. We are good friends, so I just had to think about being just friends and it actually worked. We are still good friends. And it is going to stay that way. Now that I think about it, what is the definition of crush. Because I don't know how I am feeling. I know, I really need to make up my mind. But there is just so many guys at my school and they are all new to me and I feel like I have a crush on like half of them. But I don't. They are all jerks. I just think that they are cute, but I would never date them. I don't think that I would date any one from my school. Now that I think about it, I actually wouldn't date anyone from my school. Well maybe one, but not now. Maybe in high school, but right now I just need to focus on myself. No one else should be getting in my way of that. But if this one guy does ask my to the formal that is going on in June then I would for sure say yes. But not like in crush way. Like friends. He is sweet, which is the only reason I would say yes. It is final, I don't have a crush on anyone. WhooHoo! I actually haven't for like a month because I finally realized the friendship crush would never happen and this was about a month ago. I don't have a crush, and I am happy about that. I can now look at this guy in peace. But I don't really look at him. I only look at him to check to see if he is looking at me, but the outcome of him actually looking at me only happened like twice. I just find him to be sweet, and it always helps that he is a little cute too. I am getting confused as to what the heck I am talking about, my wording things sucks. Oh my gosh, why the heck am I putting this out on the internet for everyone to see. Well it is only middle school, how bad can it be? I take that back, it can be really bad. I can be publicly humiliated in front of everyone. But I don't even have an actual crush. I am not even going to be thinking about him. I must focus on my friend's crush, which is far more important than my feelings. I am going to make them a couple whether my friend's crush likes it or not.
 I probably made a lot of people mad because I talked about them a lot. But I didn't mean to say anything mean, and I am extremely happy with all of my friends. And you all know who you are. I am very grateful to have people like you in my life, even if I am temporarily "grounded" from you guys... I'll get to that story in another blog. If I even remember about this account. You should see another blog posted by me in about 3 years. That is all for this rant blog, goodbye to the very, very, VERY few people that are actually reading this. Please don't bully me.


Your hoe is out

Entry Number One

     Trust me, I have no idea what I am doing right now. I think that I just miss writing blogs for mylanguage arts class at my old school. My old school... holy crap do I miss that garbage place. I mean don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that bad. Some people there were fake, but that is at every school. But I think that my old school had some of the best people. (if you are confused, I moved school districts about a month ago) I made friends there that are extremely hard to find. And I was lucky enough to find them. I am not going to be saying any names, but they know who they are. I’ll say things that fit them, though. That way you get an idea. The biggest slut I have ever met, and will ever meet. No joke. The next one is one that I know will marry Chandler Riggs. The third one is a dancer at heart, and is now a cheerleader. Last but definitely not least, a guy that literally says thick and creamy at least once in every single sentence that comes out of their mouth. And also, we were married in third grade, and we still haven’t gotten a divorce. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty more amazing people, but those are the people that were with me from the beginning, and still are with me to this day. I freaking love them with all of my heart.
     I don’t know where this blog is going, but I am enjoying it so far. Holy moly, if you are from my new school and you are reading these blogs, please don’t bully me. I am just a weak little girl. Actually, if I were to be filled with a lot of anger, I would probably be a little strong. Just a little. I don’t know what else to write, so I will tell you what happened during my day. To start it off, my school had a two hour delay because of the ice. I wore a Vans shirt and black jeans with my black and white old skool Vans. Ummm, I played Papa’s Cupcakaria on Cool Math in cooking class. I am trying to replay my day in my head, but it is difficult because everyday is almost exactly the same. I had a ham and cheese sandwich today at lunch. I talked to my friends back at my old school, of course on Google Docs. I fantasized about my crush going to my school. Because none of the guys at my new school are nice and fun. Or at least not the ones I have talked to. So basically my day was like normal. Uneventful. Ohh but when I got home from school, that is when all of the events came flooding in.
     Like usual, I was watching YouTube in my bed, when all of a sudden I thought that I felt something on my arm. So I looked, and there was nothing. So I just went back to my video. I already am very paranoid with things around me, so at this point I was about to pee my pants. Literally. But when I started to watch my video again, it felt like something had stung me on my left pinky. So being the overreactive person that I am, I jumped out of bed screaming into the bathroom. I ran some cold water on my pinky, and went back to my room to investigate the crime scene. There was nothing. But oohhhh noooo, as soon as I freaking lifted my blanket... there it was. I ran away screaming again. But of course no one even payed attention to me crying bloody murder. My family loves me. But it was a freaking wasp. Trust me, I don’t know how it got into my house either. But I was looking for my mom to tell her to kill it, but she was in our barn talking to my dad. Mom of the year award. But anyways I didn’t want to get on my shoes up in my room because there was an alien creature in my room. There was no way in heck I was even going upstairs. So I looked around and saw my little brother’s rain boots. Keep in mind my little brother is 6 years old. But you’re girl shoved her clown feet in those boots. So I was making my way out of the house when my mother walks in. It’s about time. I told her that there was a wasp in my room and she said, “yeah, I know”. Once again, mother of the year award. At this point I was really about to put myself up for adoption. So I told her that it stung me, and I showed her my pinky. This was the first time that I was looking at it after two minutes after it happened. So like my mother, I was surprised to see that my pinky was red, swollen, and there was a trail of redness going up my whole entire arm. I thought I was going to die. So my mom called in my dad, and he said that I was fine and that it was going to go away, and if I felt like I couldn’t breathe, then to tell him.
     During dinner, my sister kept saying that my pinky was really fat. So I told her I know, it looks just like you. Then she got mad, and so did my parents. But the only reason that my parents got mad at me was because they thought that I said, “I know, f*** you”. But of course I didn’t, because I am a little angel. Just kidding, I’m probably the meanest person you will ever meet. But that concludes my blog for today. My pink is currently still swollen, and it spread to more of my hand. I am having a really hard time typing this. Don’t worry, my mother killed the wasp, but of course she smashed it on my rug. Hopefully for the last time, mother of the year award. I am planning on burying it tomorrow. And I now feel very cautious while in my bed. So it looks like I am not getting any sleep tonight. Catch me at school tomorrow with the biggest under eye bags you have ever seen in your life.
    I don’t know if I am going to do these every day, or every week. But I am going to try to do it weekly, and I may have more than one a week. Who knows. That is all for today I guess, how was your day?

 Anyways, the hoe is out
BYEEEEEEEEE