Entry Number Eight

     The thing with me is that I don’t know anymore. I have been searching for the longest time to find something to do that makes me happy. I would come across something and think that it is finally the one thing that I can always do to bring me happiness, but then after a week or so it doesn’t make me happy anymore. It begins to feel like something I am forced to do and is a burden. I tried a lot of different things. Collecting things, drying flowers, organizing things, writing letters, taking pictures, drawing, painting, doing crafts, loads of different things. The most recent activity was making various mood boards and posting them on Instagram. That went on for about a week and then I didn’t have any motivation to make them anymore. I told my 50 followers that I was going to take a small break and that I would be back, but I don’t think I’ll ever come back. And I feel kind of bad but I wasn’t keeping anyone entertained because no one really looked at my mood boards. 

     I don’t know what I am going to do with that account. I want to just delete it but I already have a place for it in my heart. It holds some sentimental value, and all of my friends know that I am a very sentimental person. A simple rock that I find on a good day makes its way over to my memory box. And I know that writing blogs doesn’t make me happy because this is just my way of ranting and just getting the things out that I need to say. It just gets a little bit of the weight off of my chest. Not all of it because there are some things that I don’t want to let the whole world know about, ya know? But blogs just help me get the little things out. And I don’t want to randomly go to my friends to rant because I would feel bad about it. Even though they tell me all the time that it is fine and that they want to help me. I don’t know, I like to feel in control sometimes. Because really when I am writing blogs I am talking to myself. I’m not talking to anyone else, just me. So it’s like I’m doing something good for myself when I write these. 

     But I just want to find that one activity that brings me happiness. My two friends both have their happy activity (making edits) and then I’m still searching. And yes my friends and family make me happy but I need an activity that I can do on my own. Something that I can do at basically any time. I don’t know, I just feel like if I find the activity that makes me happy I’ll be happy. Because really after I moved I have not been happy. The only time I am happy is when I am with my friends. And sometimes when I am with them I’m not happy. I don’t know. But I’m not sad either. Well, I am sad a lot of the time, but most of the time I am just meh. It’s like a mixture of sadness and okay. Like I’m not completely sad, but I’m definitely not happy. But I am also not normal, it’s hard to explain. It’s kind of like I am constantly bored or unamused or just not feeling good. I don’t know the best way to put it but I did a good enough job in my opinion. I understand if you have no idea what I am talking about. I have a hard time explaining things. 

     Well that was all for this blog, hopefully I find that happy activity that I have been searching for. Wish me luck. 

xxx ulainna 

Entry Number Seven

     It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Well a lot happened while I was gone from writing blogs. But I’ll try to make the story short.

     I don’t remember where I left off from my last blog, and I don’t care to reread it to find out. I’ll just start over. I know that I talked about a crush of mine a lot in the old blogs. Well I still have that same crush. He goes by the name Dreamboy now. Speaking of that name, I realized something about it that was very similar to Dreamboy’s actual name. But I’m not going to say what because then that might tell who it is. But let me get back to what I was saying before. I finally told him that I had a crush on him. Well, I couldn’t do it so I made my friend do it. Actually, she made herself do it because I wouldn’t and she knew I was never going to. I was planning on telling him myself, but my confidence came crashing down, so I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It all happened in the beginning of June. I didn’t want to be there when she told him, so I did the most awkward thing I have ever done. I just ran away up a hill and laid down and just closed my eyes. I know, it doesn’t sound so bad, but the more I replay it in my mind the worse and worse it gets. And to just add onto the embarrassment, I threw my shoes when my friend came up to me to tell me what he said. Both of them. I’m surprised they didn’t hit him. I don’t know why I threw them, it just happened. I wish it didn’t, but it did. I just don’t know when to stop embarrassing myself. 

     But the news was pretty good. It was a lot better than I expected. I thought it was going to be, “eww. Why does she have a crush on me? I still have a crush on someone else. And Ulainna is my best friend, I don’t want to ruin that.” But it was more along the lines of, “I know she has a crush on me. And she has crossed my mind.” That’s not exactly what she told me he said but it’s close enough. Afterwards we just hung out. And of course I played some music from a playlist that my friends and I made for that day. I added a lot of songs hinting towards my crush, but I don’t think he payed any attention to them. But I still gave him looks as the songs played while he scrolled on his phone. Then an hour or two passed and my mom picked me up. You could say that I had a good night.

     Now cut to the beginning of July while I was at the beach with the friend that told Dreamboy that I liked him. He told me that he actually liked me too. Which I thought was a joke at first, but I guess it wasn’t. I didn’t fully know it until like 2 days after he told me. And I had to text him to make sure. And he was sure. I didn’t know what to do. But I was really freaking happy. I still don’t know what is going to come from this. But I still have a crush on him, duh. I have for the longest time, and just never realized it until after I moved. 

     But we are still as close as ever. But I would like to become a little closer. I just want to have a real personal conversation with him in person. I love having deep conversations with my friends, I think it brings us closer because I know more about them and they know more about me. And I just want to know more about Dreamboy. Like, really bad. I also just want to hangout. We haven’t done that in the longest time. I still find it so crazy that he actually likes me back. I would have never thought it would happen, but I guess it did. 

     Well that was a catch up on Dreamboy, let me find another topic in my life to talk about. Ahh, blogs.

     I think I am going to reread the rest of my blogs now that I think about it. I am scared that I put something really embarrassing in them. Actually, I know I did, but I just want to see how bad it is. I know that my family is going to find them any day now and make fun of me. Hopefully I’ll be ready. But I think I am going to continue making blogs for now. There is something about them that gives me a little relief. Maybe I finally found something that I enjoy doing and that I want to stick with. I have been struggling recently to find something, but I may have just found it. 

     One last thing I want to address. I feel bad for the girl that Dreamboy had a crush on before he got a crush on me. She really missed out on a one in a lifetime opportunity. A GREAT opportunity if you ask me. She’s really missing out on the sweetest human in this earth. But he isn’t even just sweet. He’s so much more. Ew, why am I so boy crazy. I need to tone it down a notch. Yikes.

     I guess that is all for my update on my life since I last spoke to you. Actually, it was basically just an update on Dreamboy. I hope the chat with you again sometime soon. 

xx ulainna 

P.S. I took away blogs 2,3, and 4 for you to see because I read over them and they were just too embarrassing. So if you are confused about what was happening in this blog, I understand why. But in the other blogs I basically just talked about wasps stinging me and Dreamboy, no surprise there. Maybe I’ll let you guys see them in the future. I don’t know. And I also have a blog typed up in my notes that I never published because I forgot to. I’ll read over it and see if I’ll publish it.

Entry Number Six

     It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Well a lot happened while I was gone from writing blogs. But I’ll try to make the story short.

     I don’t remember where I left off from my last blog, and I don’t care to reread it to find out. I’ll just start over. I know that I talked about a crush of mine a lot in the old blogs. Well I still have that same crush. He goes by the name Dreamboy now. Speaking of that name, I realized something about it that was very similar to Dreamboy’s actual name. But I’m not going to say what because then that might tell who it is. But let me get back to what I was saying before. I finally told him that I had a crush on him. Well, I couldn’t do it so I made my friend do it. Actually, she made herself do it because I wouldn’t and she knew I was never going to. I was planning on telling him myself, but my confidence came crashing down, so I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It all happened in the beginning of June. I didn’t want to be there when she told him, so I did the most awkward thing I have ever done. I just ran away up a hill and laid down and just closed my eyes. I know, it doesn’t sound so bad, but the more I replay it in my mind the worse and worse it gets. And to just add onto the embarrassment, I threw my shoes when my friend came up to me to tell me what he said. Both of them. I’m surprised they didn’t hit him. I don’t know why I threw them, it just happened. I wish it didn’t, but it did. I just don’t know when to stop embarrassing myself. 

     But the news was pretty good. It was a lot better than I expected. I thought it was going to be, “eww. Why does she have a crush on me? I still have a crush on someone else. And Ulainna is my best friend, I don’t want to ruin that.” But it was more along the lines of, “I know she has a crush on me. And she has crossed my mind.” That’s not exactly what she told me he said but it’s close enough. Afterwards we just hung out. And of course I played some music from a playlist that my friends and I made for that day. I added a lot of songs hinting towards my crush, but I don’t think he payed any attention to them. But I still gave him looks as the songs played while he scrolled on his phone. Then an hour or two passed and my mom picked me up. You could say that I had a good night.

     Now cut to the beginning of July while I was at the beach with the friend that told Dreamboy that I liked him. He told me that he actually liked me too. Which I thought was a joke at first, but I guess it wasn’t. I didn’t fully know it until like 2 days after he told me. And I had to text him to make sure. And he was sure. I didn’t know what to do. But I was really freaking happy. I still don’t know what is going to come from this. But I still have a crush on him, duh. I have for the longest time, and just never realized it until after I moved. 

     But we are still as close as ever. But I would like to become a little closer. I just want to have a real personal conversation with him in person. I love having deep conversations with my friends, I think it brings us closer because I know more about them and they know more about me. And I just want to know more about Dreamboy. Like, really bad. I also just want to hangout. We haven’t done that in the longest time. I still find it so crazy that he actually likes me back. I would have never thought it would happen, but I guess it did. 

     Well that was a catch up on Dreamboy, let me find another topic in my life to talk about. Ahh, blogs.

     I think I am going to reread the rest of my blogs now that I think about it. I am scared that I put something really embarrassing in them. Actually, I know I did, but I just want to see how bad it is. I know that my family is going to find them any day now and make fun of me. Hopefully I’ll be ready. But I think I am going to continue making blogs for now. There is something about them that gives me a little relief. Maybe I finally found something that I enjoy doing and that I want to stick with. I have been struggling recently to find something, but I may have just found it. 

     One last thing I want to address. I feel bad for the girl that Dreamboy had a crush on before he got a crush on me. She really missed out on a one in a lifetime opportunity. A GREAT opportunity if you ask me. She’s really missing out on the sweetest human in this earth. But he isn’t even just sweet. He’s so much more. Ew, why am I so boy crazy. I need to tone it down a notch. Yikes.

     I guess that is all for my update on my life since I last spoke to you. Actually, it was basically just an update on Dreamboy. I hope the chat with you again sometime soon. 

xx ulainna 

P.S. I took away blogs 2,3, and 4 for you to see because I read over them and they were just too embarrassing. So if you are confused about what was happening in this blog, I understand why. But in the other blogs I basically just talked about wasps stinging me and Dreamboy, no surprise there. Maybe I’ll let you guys see them in the future. I don’t know. And I also have a blog typed up in my notes that I never published because I forgot to. I’ll read over it and see if I’ll publish it.