Entry Number Eight

     The thing with me is that I don’t know anymore. I have been searching for the longest time to find something to do that makes me happy. I would come across something and think that it is finally the one thing that I can always do to bring me happiness, but then after a week or so it doesn’t make me happy anymore. It begins to feel like something I am forced to do and is a burden. I tried a lot of different things. Collecting things, drying flowers, organizing things, writing letters, taking pictures, drawing, painting, doing crafts, loads of different things. The most recent activity was making various mood boards and posting them on Instagram. That went on for about a week and then I didn’t have any motivation to make them anymore. I told my 50 followers that I was going to take a small break and that I would be back, but I don’t think I’ll ever come back. And I feel kind of bad but I wasn’t keeping anyone entertained because no one really looked at my mood boards. 

     I don’t know what I am going to do with that account. I want to just delete it but I already have a place for it in my heart. It holds some sentimental value, and all of my friends know that I am a very sentimental person. A simple rock that I find on a good day makes its way over to my memory box. And I know that writing blogs doesn’t make me happy because this is just my way of ranting and just getting the things out that I need to say. It just gets a little bit of the weight off of my chest. Not all of it because there are some things that I don’t want to let the whole world know about, ya know? But blogs just help me get the little things out. And I don’t want to randomly go to my friends to rant because I would feel bad about it. Even though they tell me all the time that it is fine and that they want to help me. I don’t know, I like to feel in control sometimes. Because really when I am writing blogs I am talking to myself. I’m not talking to anyone else, just me. So it’s like I’m doing something good for myself when I write these. 

     But I just want to find that one activity that brings me happiness. My two friends both have their happy activity (making edits) and then I’m still searching. And yes my friends and family make me happy but I need an activity that I can do on my own. Something that I can do at basically any time. I don’t know, I just feel like if I find the activity that makes me happy I’ll be happy. Because really after I moved I have not been happy. The only time I am happy is when I am with my friends. And sometimes when I am with them I’m not happy. I don’t know. But I’m not sad either. Well, I am sad a lot of the time, but most of the time I am just meh. It’s like a mixture of sadness and okay. Like I’m not completely sad, but I’m definitely not happy. But I am also not normal, it’s hard to explain. It’s kind of like I am constantly bored or unamused or just not feeling good. I don’t know the best way to put it but I did a good enough job in my opinion. I understand if you have no idea what I am talking about. I have a hard time explaining things. 

     Well that was all for this blog, hopefully I find that happy activity that I have been searching for. Wish me luck. 

xxx ulainna